Leftovers

Ah! What a thankgiving feast! I think my mom and grandmother over did themselves. I didn't even have to clean the kitchen afterwards! How sweet is that!
I think that this year I am going to divide the left over turkey up, wrap it with some festive wrapping paper and give it out as early Christmas presents. Ya...that'll work!

Must sleep now.

To do list for tommorow:

1.) Buy festive wrapping paper...

Today

Just got back from a B-day party at my parents house for my four year old nephew. Boy what a trip. Seeing so many little kids wondering around making noise and getting into stuff just brings back memories. I love my nephew...I hope he grows up to be a great person, he's already off to a great start!
The other day I forgot to tell about a fortune cookie that I got. Ok. So I'm meandering around Tyler running errands and stuff when my stomach starts to growl. Nothing new. I decide I am going to hit up a little chinese restraunt called "Chen's Express", ya it's the one at broadway and fifth (great egg rolls!). Anyway, I get the sesame chicken, nothing special. After I get through eating I almost decided to throw away my fortune cookie with the rest of my trash, I wasn't even gonna read it. I mean comon, who needs all that mumbo jumbo fortune stuff anyhow?? Well, I decided I should probably just peek and see, what was the harm? So I opened it, and this is what I read:

"You form passionate relationships without compromising your independence."

How wierd did I feel after that?

That day in the E.R.

That day I was not in a hury. I got ready for the day, grabbed my gear and headed for the door. I guess that I was in a pretty relaxed mood, I took more time that I probably should have, I've always been a late person by nature. As I got closer and closer to the Hospital which is about thirty minutes away from my house, I kept thinking about how I needed to "buff" my mind up to be able to deal with what I was about to face that day.
I guess I always tend to do that before I go to the E.R. or get on an ambulance. A Paramedic with whom I was a student under once told me "These people have a problem. We are here to deal with that problem for them.". I guess I have always kinda had that attitude without realizing it.
As I parked my car in the hospital's parking garage I noticed that there were not that many cars there. "Good" I told myself. A slow day ahead. Little did I know. I walked into the E.R.'s entrance and I could suddenly hear orders being given from the trauma room. Being the curious person that I am, I had to check it out. As soon as I cracked open the door one of the paramedics were telling me to come on and help out. As I approached the table I realized that they were trying to ressusitate a man. I started to pump on His chest. I did this for about five minuted and held just long enough to look at the monitor and check His pulse to see if He had come back. There was nothing, flat line on the monitor. No pulse.
We worked Him for about twenty minutes (He had been down then for about 45 minutes), when the Dr. called it. I felt something in the pitt of my stomach. Not the first person I have lost, won't be the last either. I looked the Man over. He was still wearing leather work gloves and boots. He still had grass on his boots and pants. I asked the nurse what He was doing when He went into cardiac arrest and she told me that he was in His front yard mowing the lawn.
One moment your mowing your yard, the next moment your being worked on this cold table. It's so crazy the way that life works.
I never met that Man before that day. I will never know who he was. I do know that He is now gone, and I am sad.

To the man on the cold table - Sept. 2004

P.S. - That day in the E.R. changed the way I look at life. It got me thinking, did He get an oppurtunity to show how much he cared for his family, or the one's closest to him? Never take anything for granted. Never miss the oppurtunity to do something, or tell someone, something of meaning. You may never get the oppurtunity.

Thoughts (Psalm 136)

O LORD , you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD .

You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...FRAIL

The last time I almost killed someone.....

This afternoon I ate some of this canned nacho cheese dip crap. Oh my gosh! Was that a big mistake!

Note to self: If the lable ever says canned and cheese on it simultaneously - DO NOT TOUCH IT!

My December

Why do I feel like this? I feel like I have all these good things happening in my life, yet I get frustrated, and feel like something is still missing. What's wrong with me? Can I do this alone?

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Quick Update

Wow! I am so glad I am done with paramedic school! I just finished applying at a local ambulance service. They told me they had to run my background check to make sure I wasn't one of those Kerry finatics, then I have to do a drug test and an agility test. I just sprained my ankle the other day, hope that doesn't make me fail the agility test. I think we have to carry a 50 lb. bag up a flight of stairs or some crap like that. ohh well.
I got into a fight with one of my co-workers today. I almost walked out of that job for good. I hate working where I do right now, I couldn't have finished paramedic school sooner! I'll be so glad when I get outta that pharmacy!!
I shaved my hair a while back, like totally sllick bald. I'm now having debates on whether to grow it back out - maybe it will come to me soon.

until next time.......

P.S. - never slap your teacher in the face - I promise it won't work out to your advantage in the future!!

Learning to breathe agian

This scares me. It's been over a year now and I can't get over you. I find that the last thing on my mind as I go to bed at night are the questions, "Are you ok?", "Are you happy?". This is really scaring me.
I thought so many times over the past months about calling you and asking if I could meet you somewhere and talk to you. I kept procrastinating because I knew that this would be so awkward, for you, for me.
The other night I read your journal on SuicideGirls. I cried. Why, I don't know. Reading the things that you have gone through without me being there for you just hurt. I feel like I am on the side-lines of your life. That's not where I want to be.
Since we have broken up I have dated other girls. I think the longest lasted maybe a month. I kept coomparing them to you. I don't know if that was wrong of me, not giving them a chance and all, but I don't really care. It seems like I can never open up anymore. A few weeks after we "split up", I realized how stupid I was. I was such an asshole back then. I told you that you were immature. I was the one who was too immature to see the whole picture. I hope you will forgive me for that.
I know that you have been hurt in the past. I know that I hurt you even worse. I pushed you away becuase of my immaturities and impatience. I wan't you to know that I want to be there for you. I know that you have a boy-friend right now and that is fine, I hope that you have found happiness in him. I want you to know that I want whatever makes you happy. I want to be a shoulder for you.
I can't tell you that we are meant for each other. But I can tell you that I truly love you and I always will, nothing will change that!
I don't want this to be awkward for either of us. I don't know how you feel about me and at this moment it doesn't really matter. I just felt like I had to tell you these things, I couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. I hope that our friendship will blossom. I hope that I can be a part of your life, it doen't matter what role I play in your life as long as I am in it!

I know reading all of this is probably scaring you and maybe confusing you. It has confused and scared me for the past few months and it has only gotten worse. I hope that saying these things to you has not totaly shut you off from me, that would be too much to bare. You don't have to tell me how you feel if you don't want to. I just want you to know how I have felt, and feel about you. You have stolen a piece of my heart that will be forever yours, and no one can keep you from it.

I love you!

Find Me in the River

These are the lyrics to a really cool song from a group called Delirious. They are like a totally sweet band! Anyhow, enjoy!

Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please

We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price

Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting here

Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please

We didn't count on suffering
We didn't count on pain
But if the blessing's in the valley
Then in the river I will wait

On the road agian....

AAHHH! It's a new day. Today I will be going to work, then when I get off tonight at 12:00am I will drive an 1½ hours to my parents house. Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:00am and go get on the ambulance. I am getting prettier tired of my schedule, but I only have two weeks left so I think I will survive. I went and applied for a yamaha credit card, they ok'd a $5,000 credit limit. I'm so excited. All I have to do now is save of the remainder and I will be able to go down and buy a brand new motorcycle. I'm totally digging the YZF-R6. Anyhow, I must go get ready for work now.

Quotable Quote = "Place your hand onto a hot stove for a minute and it will seem like and hour. Sit by a beautiful girl for an hour and it will seem like a minute. That's realativity" - Albert Einstein

Today

Today is Sunday, the Lord's day
I'm pushed out into the world
All I want to do is stay
In this little world I have created
Feeling so delapidated

I must fly, fly so far
I watch the ground now waiting for a fall
Is this how it's supposed to be?
I feel I am talking inward
when all I see is looking outward

When things get tough I have this little place
A place inside were all is safe
It gets harder and harder to come out of myself
I thing I'll stay here a while and rest

Blown Away

Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear, I'll disappear,
I'll dissapear without a trace

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many freinds along the way
Memories i never thought would fade
They fade and blow away

I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So i could be no one again
And never let nobody, I'd let nobody
I'd let nobody in

So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feels like a book that can't be read, a book that can't be read,
A book that can't be read

Clarifying the Subject line

I named my blog the "Victim of Life" because it is something that we all are. This is not a bad thing. Although life throws everyone a curve-ball on occassion, this is no reason to make a run for the border (suicide). I tend to believe that eveything has it's realativity in our lives. Good times and bad times each make impacts on our lives that are everlasting. It's what you do with this influence and experience that counts!

If everything else fails, just remember to = "Turn that frown upside-down!"

Intro

This is the part where I introduce myself :-).........

My name is Caleb. I was raised in a very "traditional" Christian home. I was raised with the notions that you have the power neccessary to form and mold your life in anyway possible. I grew up in Church and loved going to see friends there. I was very involved in 4-H and other extra-curricular activities. I have raised chickens, horses, and many dogs. I am one of five children. I would have to say that I have been very blessed with my upbringing. I was home-schooled from first grade all the way through graduation. I believe that all of this combined is what had given me such a "neorealistic" view of the world.
From the time I was seven years old, I knew that I wanted to be a Neurosurgeon. I have done everything in the past to prepare me for this. Sometimes my friends would tell me that they wanted what I had; they longed to know what they wanted in life and to have the ability to reach goals that seemed so grand. I get certian things in my mind that want and I do everything neccessary to achieve my desires.
I started taking college coursed in my sophmore year of highschool. I was hooked. Since that time I have nearly finished all of my pre-medicine courses and have also completed Paramedic school. I am also a certified Pharmacy Technician and have been working in pharmacies since I turned the ripe age of sixteen.
The next few years I will be working full time as a Paramedic while continuing my education. I plan on entering Johns Hopkins medical school in 2007.
I tell you all of this not because I wan't to boast. That would be the less likely reason. I want to show people that nothing is impossible. Moreover, I want to prove to myself that I can do something, anything, that I put my mind to. It's such a beautiful feeling to acomplish something that you never thought you would.

I am, and will always be a.........

Victim of Life

Opening

Here i sit, just a Victim of Life

When will the day come? When will I enter into that eutopia? Am I already here? I think not. Today I will go to work...it's inevitable. I will help people in thier time of need there, but will anyone help me? I think not. Then I will come home to this empty house agian, I'm sure that by then my stomach will have grown sick. I will get on my computer and try to act socially, cordially to people with whom I have no "real" relationship with. What for? Am I so used to helping others in the search for my own happiness that I don't even argue with such things? Yet it is possible to not understand one's own self. And here I sit agian, in this padded chair, a Victim of my own life.